First thing, I’ve had so many messages from people who read these blogs, really really lovely messages. I always find it surprising that anyone but family stops by.
It makes my heart happy to know that other people are actually enjoying them too! It’s pretty incredible to be honest.
(I write my blog philanthropically, rather than make money from my social media accounts and blog account, it actually costs me money. I pay (well, Chris does) $165 a year to host it. I make no money whatsoever from any of it. And nor do I wish to. It’s my way of giving back for my good fortune of survival).
So thank you so much for giving me the time of day. And thank you to those who reached out. It makes my day to think I’m in some way helping or bringing comfort.
(To think at school I was written off, told I’d never get anywhere close to my dreams, told I’d better set my sights a lot lower (thanks for that Mrs Brown, the ‘careers’ teacher, you soulless ghoul!).
And now look at me, I did get on the NNEB training course, not only that but I passed it too, I did achieve my childhood dream of becoming a Children’s Nanny.
I did achieve everything I set out to, which isn’t surprising as my dreams were quite different from my peers.
I wanted to be a children’s Nanny, a wife and a mum. I achieved all of that by the age of 23. So the rest of the time I’ve just been living the dream and feeling complete).
I didn’t even know I wanted to write until I found something lacking in the world when I started living life with a stoma.
I wanted to give reassurance to those coming after me that it was going to be okay. Because I didn’t have access to that resource when I was going through cancer treatment.
I was thinking about it the other day, I see so many amazing people doing incredible feats, and especially poignant are those who are doing amazing deeds when they have a stoma of any kind, or any form of unplanned body alteration surgery.
No one is going to be following me because I’m inspirational, I’m just not about great acts of human endeavour.
It’s not that having a colostomy changed me…I’ve just never been about pushing myself to the limit…not feeling any need to is almost my superpower 😬😂.
I’ve done a couple of charity walks and been happy with that, completed it mate. 🤭
I’m more of an insight into normal again. A few nice frocks, day trips, and travel.
After my cancer diagnosis, and before the surgery I didn’t think anything would be, or feel normal ever again.
I was caught in a cycle of fearing the unknown, believing that the best part of my life was over.
When in actual fact, where I had been symptomatic for so long my life was shrunken without me knowing it, it wasn’t actually normal back then!
I sat life out because of my symptoms. I didn’t go to new places, I didn’t fly for 8 years prior to finding out I had cancer, for fear of an accident midair, I just didn’t do anything much at all.
I missed out on so many opportunities and occasions with my family, because I was in the midst of a very severe symptom attack.
It never occurred to me that this wasn’t normal. I just blindly listened to many and various GPs who told me I had IBS and piles, so this was what I thought everyone else who had it was going through too.
So when my pre op brain was worrying about life never being normal again it wasn’t a level playing field to start with.
Because how I was living was most certainly not normal.
My colostomy changed all that. From being trapped in the house, staying close to the toilet, I was actually free to go anywhere I wanted!…and I didn’t walk, I ran (metaphorically!).
Six months to the day after my surgery I was laying on a beach in Cuba sipping mojitos, in a bikini, bag on show, having flown the furthest I’d ever flown in my life!
And I haven’t stopped since. Have bag - will travel.
So my offering to the stoma population is showing that life is as mundanely normal as you wish it to be after surgery.
I can most definitely signpost anyone who wants to follow inspirational humans. I know so many of them who I admire and respect, even if I don’t wish to actually emulate them.
My life is 90% mundane things like the Tesco shop and housework, and 10% fabulous fun, food and travel. And I think it’s absolutely utterly perfect.
I love it all, the boring and the bold.
I woke up from surgery with this incredible feeling. I can’t really describe it, but I think euphoria comes the closest.
That feeling hasn’t diminished in 16 years. I am still on a high.
Surviving what came to kill me has very literally made me stronger and more confident.
Which I appreciate might seem weird. I look very different now, I carry a bag of poo stuck to my abdomen, and yet here I am bold as brass confidently loving life, living very visibly and vividly.
How can I feel more confident bagged than I ever did before?
Well, I don’t know for sure, but before I was trying to fit into society’s form of perfection…and once I realised I would never be able to be that no matter what I did I was released from that toxic mindset.
I am free, I am so centred and happy. Me as I am, in any form is the perfection I was trying to achieve, but never able to.
********
Before I go on holiday, if I can fit one in I will get a spray tan. I can’t sunbathe anymore due to having loads of skin cancers cut out, so I get a tan from a can.
Now, spray tans do carry some risks of harm, but a lot less than the risk from prolonged sun damage.
The best advice I can give is go to someone very professional who has the massive suction extract fan for catching the tiny particles, and keep your mouth and eyes closed as much as you possibly can to avoid ingesting it.
My fabulous spray tan artist Ellie has a very good set up, so I trust her to get me brown and keep me safe.
She makes me look fabulous, and in turn I feel fabulous.
Amusingly, I go on holiday far browner than I return home after.
Bra from Rigby & Peller, Knickers and Pyjamas from M&S
I feel fantastic when I’ve had it done, but it’s not something I do that often. And I can’t even contemplate getting the same effect from the sun.
I have 20 minutes a day of sun for the vitamin D, then cover up.
To be as tanned as Ellie makes me I’d age my skin by decades. And it’s just not worth it for me.
I don’t do and never have done any cosmetic treatments or tweakments, but I do take precautions with the biggest skin agers on the planet:
Sun ❌
Alcohol ❌
Tobacco ❌
Drugs ❌
Dress and Shoes from Ralph Lauren.
On the note of my mundane life, this is how I spend most of my time.
Sitting cuddling my baby boys.
Before I flew out to Spain I had a busy weekend planned.
I went down to visit my mum and dad, they live about an hour away from me, it was the first chance I had since I finished the first part of travelling around.
I wanted to make sure my mum was okay, because while Chris and I were in Corfu, Sam was diagnosed with pneumonia again (he had it back in February while Chris and I were in India. I would say he pines for us as soon as we leave the country, but that wouldn’t make much sense as he’s not lived at home with us in nearly 8 years, because he lives with his wife and child 🤭😂), and at the same time we were worrying about him my mum decided it would be an ideal time to take an almighty tumble whilst out on a walk, landing flat on her face…and I mean that in the actual literal sense!! She landed on her actual face, breaking her nose in doing so.
The poor thing, she did look a terrible mess. The cut on her nose bled profusely and the break swelled and bruised immediately. Anyone seeing them on that secluded country path would have assumed they’d stumbled across a horror movie/machete attack taking place.
So I wanted to pop by and check on her.
We have Ben and Erin’s wedding in a few weeks time, so my mum had concerns about her face for the big day. But actually she is healing very well, and the bruising will be non existent for then.
I went away to Spain wondering who else would misbehave in my absence 🫣😬🤭😂 but all was calm, thank the gods.
Anyway, while I was visiting my parents, I thought I’d squeeze in a little detour.
It was Erin’s sort of hen do. She didn’t want a full blown one, it’s not her cup of tea. So her and some friends were heading into London for a bottomless Prosecco brunch.
I was invited, but I couldn’t think of anything worse…I’d rather break my mum’s nose again than go to a hen do (soz mum 😬🫣🤭😂).
But I do love Erin very much. So it wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with her, it’s just I can’t cope with hen dos, or any type of gathering with very drunk women…I didn’t even enjoy that when I was regularly a very drunk woman! 😂
As a surprise, I headed up to London and waited in the foyer of the hotel they were going for the brunch.
The trains were all a mess, so it was hit and miss if I’d arrive, or in fact if they’d arrive, as they were coming from a different direction.
So I ordered a camomile tea at the hotel and waited.
I saw them approaching, and as the doorman was directing them to the lifts, and I abruptly cut him off and said “I’ll take it from here, you turn left at the double doors”.
He was in on my little surprise as I’d been chatting to him while I waited.
Erin did a double take, very surprised to see me standing there!
I got to tell her I love her, and that she looked like a beautiful princess, and to have a lovely day. And then I headed back to my mum and dad’s house.
A three hour detour, but one I’m glad I made. Okay, so I saw her and the others for about 3 minutes in total. But I wanted her to know she’s adored and part of the family already…She knows that, but it doesn’t hurt to reiterate it.
Dress from Me&Em, Shoes from Hermes
The blushing bride to be. 🤍
I can’t wait till they are married and she legally has to make our dinners!! 🤭😂
I’m joking, I’m joking, she makes dinner for us regularly anyway, without any obligation of being married to Ben. 🫶🏼🥰
And very grateful we are to her for that. She’s an incredible cook!! X
I went back to my parent’s house, took some cakes for us all, then I headed home.
And spent the rest of the evening covered in budgies.
You’ve heard of crazy cat ladies. Well, I’m the bird version.
Then Sunday was a fantastic day seeing our friends in London.
We booked Chutney Mary’s sister restaurant, Amaya again because they do a lot more healthy foods there as they do a lot of grilling. They do some incredible prawns. I don’t think it’ll come as a shock that I take full advantage of this. 😬
Top, about a hundred years old from Jack Wills, Shoes from Hermes, Bag from Dior.
It was hot in the city, London in summer is pretty hard to beat.
We had such a lovely day. We are very blessed to have the best people in our lives.
Then Monday it was time to head back to Stansted to fly to our house in Spain.
I can report a very smooth transit through security.
As ever the bag flagged up on the new scanners, but I had a very concise but gentle pat down and swab.
Without the bullshit need to be taken away to a side room to look at the outside of my bag.
I saw a stoma user on instagram say they don’t mind being taken to the side room to show their bag, and thought, good for you, and I mean that whole heartedly. It’s great when people are unbothered by things that crop up in life.
But I personally see no need for it if I’ve had a scan, pat down and passed a swab test.
And it’s incredibly intrusive and somewhat humiliating to expect me to lift up my skirt and show them.
Because for that to happen I have to show my knicker area too, and I wear skimpy thong underwear, because I prefer them to anything else…and only I get to decide how I dress.
I don’t want to have to make sure my bikini line is tidy just because someone has deemed looking at a bag part of the protocol now.
It makes no sense. If the scan showed no wires or anything suspicious, and the swab showed no signs of explosives or drugs, simply looking at the outside of the bag will tell them absolutely nothing extra.
I’m not shy, and I happily bikini on the beach, but hoiking my dress up and exposing my knicker area and abdomen to fully dressed security officials? No thanks, no thanks at all!
And I might point out on two separate occasions at airports I was asked to actually remove my bag! Literally asked to take it off!!
I can’t imagine too many people would be unfazed by that kind of intrusion.
…Plus the irony is not lost on me that while I stood there being patted down I watched my case with my little pots of suspicious looking white powder go through the x-ray machine, not raising any suspicion at all.
And even I think they actually look suspicious! And I know it’s only magnesium powder.
Make it make sense.
I fly in what I feel comfortable in, I don’t dress with “Will I have to expose my minge today!?”
Dress from Me&Em
The weather all over Europe is scorchy right now. So much so the wild fires got very close to our villa last week, so that was a bit scary.
Huge thank yous to the fire department in Spain, they are incredible!! They are the superheroes that need no capes. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Knowing that I wouldn’t really want to go to the shops the following day I headed straight to the supermarket as soon as I got off the flight.
I made it there with seconds to spare.
Some of my friends are very impressed that I drive in Spain…but what I don’t tell them is that it’s actually easier there because where our house is is very rural and relatively remote, and there’s hardly any traffic. It’s easier than driving at home 😂
I bought all the essentials 🫶🏼
Our villa is in a particularly arid part of Spain. It has very high levels of very fine dust. Which does make the air quality very poor.
I don’t really get hayfever at home but as soon as I step off the plane I am a mess.
Eyes, and nose burning, sneezing uncontrollably. I’m so pretty in Spain 🫣😬🤭😂
Being in our own place means I can keep up with good habits. Eating well, exercising, plenty of rest (from what you might ask!! Good question…let’s just move along, nothing to see here!) ;)
I bikini, but not for sun exposure, mainly because it’s too hot, even with the air con on full.
Bikini from M&S.
And occasionally I wear clothes.
Dress from Tesco
Bikini from Tesco
I go out to Spain by myself to start with as Chris has less holiday allowance than me.
It’s absolute heaven. Sometimes I’m feral, barely washing. But as I’ve been exercising more I did have to actually wash 🤭😂
I adore Chris, he is the better part of me, but my god I get fed up thinking of what to feed us, it’s boring, it’s the worst part of being married for a long time.
So here, alone I just eat what I want, not having to think about if anyone else wants to eat it too. It’s incredibly freeing.
I like the same foods on repeat, and Chris finds that a bit tedious (under exaggeration) So while I’m alone I make the most of it.
Eat sleep repeat.
I drove back to the airport to pick up the best thing that ever happened to me…
Dress from Shein, Shoes from Hermes, Bag from Tory Burch.
Himself! 🫶🏼🥰
I enjoy the house with just me, but he makes everything better.
Absolutely everything is better…
Like I said, I’m managing to keep up all my new healthy habits, old and new.
We’ve been eating whole foods for a few years now, and then 8 weeks ago added it the PT sessions at the gym.
None of it feels like a chore. I’m enjoying it all so much.
I feel very empowered that I get to try and make a difference to my future health.
I’m not doing all this stuff because I know or expect it to work.
I’m doing it to at least try and make a positive impact in my future self. Hopefully I will do enough to make the changes to my bone density and muscle mass.
My dietary changes hopefully will help prevent further cancers or other complications and diseases.
But if it doesn’t, well at least I will be able to look myself and my family in the eye and say I tried, I tried my best. And the most important part, not to have any regrets or remorse.
I’m not Brian Johnson bio hacking, I think he himself just proved how pointless trying to stay alive longer is. Seeing as a health problem has just cropped up for him.
We can only do so much, the rest is down to luck.
My goal is to eat well, exercise, weight train, and make good decisions.
I’m not doing anything unmanageable either, because I know I wouldn’t be able to stick to it. Mine are simple easy lifestyles changes that may help with my future self.
PE kit from TL Maxx, Trainers from Nike
Bikini from Tesco
How I spent most of my week was in a bikini, indoors hiding from the sun.
I had plenty to keep me occupied inside. That’s the nice thing about it being your home, there’s always pottering to do.
T Shirt From LA Space, Jeans from Ralph Lauren, Shoes from Hermes
Bikini from Tesco
I don’t really do salad in the uk much, and I don’t really do anything but salads in Spain.
He keeps me supplied with Orans and beautiful clothes, I keep him supplied with rollmops and other pickled fish. 😬😂
It’s all about give and take 🤭
Bikini from Tesco.
Our favourite day in Spain is when we book to go to a restaurant in Alicante that we really enjoy.
Dress from Aspiga, Shoes from Hermes.
And part of that day out is a trip to El Cortes Ingles, which is a very nice department store.
One I have discovered is incredibly cost effective!
And I’m not even bullshitting girl maths-ing it, it genuinely is far better value than the uk.
They have a fabulous Maje department I’ve bought some stuff in before.
In my Maje online basket I had 3 items I wanted to get.
I was able to try them on in the store and buy them…literally things I intended to buy anyway in the uk sale.
Plus a top I’d tried on in Harrods the weekend before, from the new collection, and a little cardigan jacket which was super cute.
I got a 1/3 off of the UK price for all of it!
Strap in for some very sound financial advice, from someone who has dyscalculia, no job and absolutely no idea about numbers at all;
In London this top is £189
In Spain it’s €165
Which in GBP is £140.75
So already it’s shaping up to be a bargain.
Then she looked on my account on her system and noticed I had a 20% off voucher sitting there.
So that took it down to £112
Then at the airport I got the tax back. I can’t work that out as I don’t know how much tax you get back.
But it’s a bargain on top of bargain.
I think it’s less than half the UK price.
This ⬆️
Or this…
It’s especially good value as it was things I had planned to buy anyway!
We discovered that in Spain there is no minimum spend for tax back.
In Paris it was €100 minimum.
So we bought loads of stuff to get the benefit of tax free shopping. (Just to be clear, stuff that we intended to buy in the uk anyway. I didn’t just supermarket sweep it!).
Alicante is a very beautiful city, and definitely worth a visit.
And then it was time for dinner…
La Taberna Del Gourmet is a really good restaurant. It’s not expensive, but it is incredibly good food.
And the desserts are delicious…And the reason we started coming is the most beautiful glorious milky bread and butter pudding with a crème brûlée top.
Served on a cow 🐄!
Which is why I called any day we’re going there cow day!
It’s an utter delight!
We’re now back in the uk, the weather here is finally cooler…chilly even at times (not really, but it feels it compared to the 38 degrees we were having here a few weeks ago).
Thank the lords. Because I can’t sleep without a duvet over me, because I’m not a maniac (yes, Chris the no cover sleeper, I mean you!).
I’m sleeping so much better in the cool.
Do you remember me saying I have struggled with sleep for 16 years? Well, with Chris’s help I have made so much progress.
I’m really very happy with how I’m doing. It’s not perfect, but oh my goodness it’s worlds apart from where I was.
If only health tracking devices had been a thing back when I had the terrible sleep issues. And Claude with its Ai capabilities. Because I would probably never have started taking promethazine to start with.
And I certainly wouldn’t have become reliant on it.
It’s nasty toxic stuff, that instead of helping me did so much harm.
Firstly, it broke my sleep architecture, it never increased sleep, it was only sedation. And to add insult to injury it also acts as the complete opposite of a GLP1 medication (in so much as it blocks the brain and body’s ability to feel full), so all that time I was adding more damage to more damage.
Plus, long term use can also lead to dementia in older people. So all in all I’m well rid of it.
And without having to do anything else, apart from having joined a gym and now having PT weight training sessions, I am back to my pre promethazine years weight.
If you are stuck in a cycle on a medication you think might not be doing you any good I would really advise speaking to a doctor or health care professional.
I couldn’t have ever imagined I’d be free of Phenegan. But I am and I feel fucking fabulous!
And really proud of myself for doing it. I’m so very grateful to Chris (and Claude 🤖) for helping me too.
It never occurred to me that an over the counter medication would be so dangerous. I am now fully aware.
*******
Top from Maje, Shorts from Ralph Lauren, Shoes from Gina
Top from Maje, Jeans from Levi’s, Shoes from Hermes.
I found out that the super soft Levi’s I’ve been buying recently are made especially for outlets.
The fabric must be cheaper, but it’s worked out in my favour, because they are so soft and stretchy I can poo in them no problem at all.
(Always seems like a weird requirement, even 16 years into stoma-ing).
We had all the family up at the weekend and it was absolutely amazing!
We did some great firsts.
I suggested to my daughter in law, Milly, that we could go to my gym. She’s a triathlete so she’s very into fitness and training.
And then Chris said he’d like to come as he’d enjoyed the gym in Corfu a few weeks ago.
Chris hasn’t stepped foot in a proper gym in about 20 years. So I was so impressed with him coming too.
And the next day we went again!! And Ben came as well this time. It was absolutely brilliant!
Sam’s very into gardening, and he very kindly brought all his gardening tools up and we had a working party trying to sort our garden out. He worked so hard on it. It’s made a huge difference.
I think it’s really important to understand that I have been working on my bone density and muscle for future health reasons.
Yes, my body has changed in the pursuit of future wellness, but my main goal wasn’t to be a different size.
Since my stoma surgery I have been completely at peace and comfortable with my body.
I have been smaller than I am now, and I have been bigger than I am now, and at all those shapes and sizes I have been happy.
Truly happy, absolutely confident in my skin, and most definitely confident in a bikini.
Because I like my body any way it comes, as long as I am fit and well enough to enjoy adventures.
That’s what’s important to me.
If you scroll through my instagram account you will see me in different phases, and in every single one of them I am happy and proud and bold.
Because I love life. Because I appreciate how quickly it can change. And because I am so grateful to be here, no matter what I look like.
If I can get out and have adventures, that’s what matters.
⬆️ This was taken in Cuba, 6 months after my cancer surgery.
This was in Las Vegas, USA…
This was in Iceland 🇮🇸
This was in Corfu…
This was mainland Greece…
This was in Spain….
As was this…
This was in Jaipur India 🇮🇳
This was in Bulgaria 🇧🇬
This was in India 🇮🇳
I have bikinied all over the globe, not because I think anyone else should, or would think I look great…but because I do!! And I’m the only one who has to. How I, or any of us feel on the inside is all that counts.
We should all only care what we think about our own bodies, and be proud of what they are capable of doing. 🥰
*******
Do I find it easy at the gym in the pursuit of bones? No! But I do find it enjoyable and it gives me a real adrenaline boost, honestly, an actual rush. I can understand why people get hooked on it.
My mum and dad came for dinner Saturday, and Ben Erin and Erin’s mum came over for the afternoon, which was really special.
I love this house when it has life in it. Especially when it’s my family.
Four generations together isn’t something I take for granted. 🥰
There was something so familiar about their fashion choices…
🤭
It was so good to spend some quality time with Zak, he is so very precious.
Then Monday it was back to normal, and back to a PT session.
Would I usually go to the gym three days in a row? No, I think not. But the stars aligned so I made the most of it.
Chris has said he’ll come with me at the weekends now, so clearly he enjoyed it.
Our gift to future us is to be in the best shape possible going into our older years, so we hopefully can make the most of it for as long as possible.
I’m in the uk for the rest of July and the whole of August.
And we have a jam packed month of love.
A lot of people we adore are getting married, and I’m so excited for them!
Starting off strong with Erin and Ben’s wedding in a couple of weeks time.
They have my full admiration because they aren’t sinking into debt to create an Instagram perfect wedding. 💒
They refused any financial assistance from anyone else, because they wanted to do it themselves, for themselves. And I totally get that.
Chris and I’s first wedding was a bargain basement £1000 all in including dress, rings, cake and photographer.
And we’ve lasted a lot longer than some of our contemporaries who spent tens of thousands on their own weddings.
A wedding lasts one day, a marriage lasts a lifetime.
🤍
Wishing all the soon to be brides and grooms a very happy day and a glorious life together. Xx
On the note of love, it was the 15 year anniversary of our vow renewal on the 23rd July, a day to celebrate our good luck of survival and to thank all those who supported us through the worst times of our lives.
33 years ago I met this man.
30 years ago I married him
And 15 years ago I was lucky enough to renew those vows with him.
Happy Blessaversary CD. You are the reason for everything. 🤍
…everything we’ve been through led us to here.
Okay, so if I could change some of it I would, I’d definitely remove the suffering the boys endured through their lives.
But the rest, the rest has been lessons of resilience, tenacity, determination (sheer bloody mindedness) and love…and as the song says Love is all you need. 🤍
The things that came to break me, to break us, only served to make us stronger, and for that I’m grateful.
I am so grateful and thankful for this life, so far I’ve had a lovely time 10/10 would recommend.
My childhood best friend, Stephen made the best speech I’ve ever heard at a wedding. Honestly, he should hire himself out for this!
The secret of our success?…
😂😂😂🫶🏼
Sending love to anyone who read this. I can’t put into words how much it means to me. Xx