Just editing
I think there is this perceived expectation that when you have some sort of body altering surgery you have to hide, and go lick your wounds privately, and indeed, some may want to do that, and if that’s how someone feels I say you do you.
I actively encourage people to listen to their body and internal dialogue and allow themselves to feel everything that they are feeling.
It’s absolutely essential to work through all the emotions that come your way.
We shouldn’t feel like we have to box our feelings up to make those around us feel more comfortable.
It’s okay to acknowledge discomfort. I’m not a fan of geeing people along. I have a few friends who are going through really rough times, and at no point do I feel they should “think of the positives” and “things could be worse”, just so I feel better about it all. No, they are going through shit and I let them vent about it because it’s the right thing to do.
If you want to look on the bright side then yay, if you don’t then I’m right there with you too.
Do whatever makes you feel more comfortable in your skin.
I knew pre surgery I was always going to be verbally open about what I was having to go through. I had been very honest with my friends and family about what I needed doing.
But I also felt that physically I would be hiding from the world. I had planned, with Chris’s blessing, to just live inside my house. Only having contact with friends via email and phone. I had absolutely no intention of leaving my house or letting anyone in.
But then, this weird feeling came along. Post surgery, literally as soon as I had come round from the operation I felt poles apart from where I had been mentally, something had changed, something felt drastically different.
I can’t really explain it, and if I did try to you’d think me quite mad (more than you do already).
But there was this overwhelming sense of peace, calm, and pride even. I knew I was capable of more than I had ever imagined.
And life has proved me right. I couldn’t be further from the life I assumed I’d have.
I credit most of my confidence to Chris for loving me no matter what I look like. But also something inside me changed while I was under the anaesthetic. I don’t know how or why, or what even. But I went from wanting to shrink myself away, to wanting to stand and shout from the rooftops “I can do this! This is going to be a blast!”.
And yes, I agree that it’s a super weird shift.
When I was told I needed a permanent stoma I wasn’t just a little bit daunted, I was traumatised, I could barely breathe or speak for days I was in such shock…And then post surgery I wasn’t just a little bit happy and content, I was supercharged, and felt almost superhuman!
I’d say most people fit into a middle ground, with some people more positive and some are less.
My hope is one day to be more confident in the one area I’m not confident in ~ I find it excruciatingly difficult if my stoma makes fart noises, which it invariably does in the most inconvenient places, in painfully embarrassing situations.
I find it incredibly hard ~ I’ve never found farts funny, I am an outlier in my immediate family of boys (Not that I’m too worried about my stoma farting in front of my husband or children you understand, that part is what it is).
But I do find it very difficult when it’s in front of people I’m not related to, even with my friends, which is utterly ridiculous, because at some stage they have all farted loudly in front of me.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO FART, So why on earth am I so sensitive about it?
It’s one of my life’s biggest mysteries, although I think it’s rooted in the fact that I have no warning of them, and no control over them, and I am a control freak, so not having autonomy over my expelling air, loudly most likely, really upsets me.
Farts and leaks are my Achilles heel…but even that hasn’t stopped me from living an extraordinarily good life. I assumed I’d just exist, but I’ve actually been able to flourish and grow and thrive.
The travel part of my life has surprised me the most I think, no, actually, thinking about it, my body confidence has shocked me to my core. When I was whole I was self conscious and insecure, I loathed parts of my body and I spent a considerable amount of time starving myself to try and find acceptance, and strived for perfection.
Of course there is no such thing as physical perfection, and I think having a stoma attached to my abdomen reset my mind of what perfection actually is. Perfection is being alive, perfection is accepting what is, perfection is giving myself credit for surviving something so monumentally earth shatteringly awful …and then the travel-lust is a very close second.
Physically whole, but mentally unhealthy. With bingeing, starving and self harm as a regular occurrence.
(Me age 21)
And then something changed during my surgery, not just my physical appearance, but something inside me shifted and I felt powerful and worthy instantly.
Zero bingeing, zero starving, zero harming.
Just a sense of calm and peace in my own skin.
Physically incomplete, mentally whole. 🙏🏼
What a weird and unexpected turn of events. And one I am forever grateful for.
This lady is a 52 year old, stoma bagged grandma to a 6 and a half year old beautiful boy. Mother of two, wife of one and happy AF. 🥰
And very handily - Sparkly on the inside too. ✨
I really hope people find their peace, it’s been so life changing for me.
Let’s get on with the bit that I started this blog for. What I’ve been wearing and what I’ve been doing while wearing it…
I’m not, and never have been saying that I dress better than my unbagged counterparts (it’s not a competition), but what I am saying is having a stoma bag hasn’t ever held me back from dressing well if I choose to.
Top and Shoes from M&S, Trousers from Ralph Lauren.
Top from N.Peal, Jeans from Tesco, Shoes from M&S
A brief interlude for my cookery recommendations.
Very very occasionally I will get the urge to make some food, I’m no chef, and have very little interest in cooking, but sometimes an idea takes hold.
I was missing Greece very much. Anywhere in Greece or Jaipur in India are my happy places.
So I googled how to make Gigantes Plaki, and actually, it turned out far better than expected.
Chris hates butter beans, but as it’s all I’d cooked he gave it a go and was pleasantly surprised by how delicious it was.
I now have to try and resist making it a million times on repeat (something that I do tend to do).
I remember a time a very successful Yorkshire pudding recipe led to a delicious toad in the hole.
I was nigh on putting everything I could find in a hole after that ~ lamb chops, chicken breast, a cauliflower head, I was tempted to put fish fingers in a hole at one point. Hahaha
Find the method at the Veg Space.co.uk
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The weekend before last Chris had arranged a fun day out, now it wasn’t a day I’d choose necessarily, but I’ll go to anything Chris comes up with to be honest.
How to dress for a drag race (the motor kind, rather than the glam man kind).
It was such a fun day. It was the entire family and James and Tanya, and it was something different to the norm for us all.
I foolishly took notice of the weather forecast, but it was completely off, so we weren’t prepared for the torrential rain. But in-spite and despite of that we had the best time.
Thankfully there were plenty of fresh cooked donut stalls to keep us warm.
Jumper from M&S, Jeans from Topshop, Boots from Dubarry, Scarf and scarf ring from Hermes, Bag from Gucci.
Luckily, there are no rules, so dress however you want. Life is made up anyway, so we are free to make our own rules.
Super fast cars, super fun day. 10/10 would recommend.
Then on the Sunday I had invited all the family over to celebrate my dad’s 85th birthday.
85!! What a privilege and joy!
My plan for my future is to do all the right things now to be able to live a very long and happy life, and then from 80 onwards indulge in the most outrageously bad for you things and live it large! 🤩😂
His birthday is near enough to Halloween for me to do a Halloween table scape for it.
Erin cooked the most delicious roast dinner, she is a marvel in the kitchen.
A team effort, I scaped (the easy bit) Erin cooked (the hard bit). I am incredibly grateful to have her. Xx
The big eight - five!
And then pumpkin carving for Zak.
All finished off with some sparkles…
What to wear for a reluctant birthday boy’s birthday?
Jumper from N.Peal, Trousers from H&M, Shoes from Dior.
I always feel very lucky when everyone has been over. Sam, Milly and Zak stayed longer than usual as it was half term.
So that was very special. He is such a sweet boy.
He’s really into jokes at the moment and one made me laugh so much, it keeps making me chuckle now, mainly because I didn’t actually get it to start with and I had to ask Erin why it was funny, and then when I realised my grammar mistake I couldn’t stop laughing.
Now, it’s not going to translate well in written form, but it’s worth a try.
“Why did the baker have brown hands?”
…”because he needed a poo!”
And I was like, “Erin, why’s it funny that he needed a poo?”
And she said…
“Kneaded
K N E A D E D”
🤔😳🫣🤗🤭🤣
Monday I visited my auntie Linda with my mum, and true to form I went the wrong way yet again. I have yet to drive there without mistakes. I get lost a lot, which is why I’m glad I live on an island because god knows where I’d end up if I lived in mainland Europe.
I decided to break into my new autumn wardrobe bits, this skirt was an absolute bargain. It was only £14 from Tesco but it’s perfect for me.
It’s really soft and comfortable, with loads of stretch to keep my output flowing freely.
Jumper from Maje, Skirt from Tesco, Tights from Heist, Shoes from Hermes, Bag from Goyard.
Then Wednesday I spent the morning at the Food Bank, and after I went out to lunch with my best friend’s daughter as I hadn’t seen her in a while. I suggested we go and look at the Christmas bits in a shop near theirs and stop for some lunch.
We had a lovely time having a mooch.
Shirt from Aquascutum, Trousers and Shoes from M&S, Belt from Hermes
We bagged ourselves some Christmas goodies that I can’t wait to put up this year. 🎄
Always a pleasure seeing this angel. Xx
Thursday night we met friends for a curry night, although most nights are curry nights for us anyway.
I have no photos of the night out because I decided to live in the moment and didn’t take my phone.
An unusual thing for me to do, but having noticed so many parents with young children glued to their phones whilst we were on holiday, and then did the self same thing when Zak was up at the weekend, I decided I needed to break the habit.
Top from a boutique in Halstead, Jeans from M&S, Shoes from Chanel.
It felt weird without my phone, but the fact it felt weird means I need to leave it home a lot more.
We had such a fantastic time, Kim made me laugh till I nearly weed a little. So that’s always a good sign of a good time, but also of a pretty weak bladder 😳🫣😂.
A few weeks back when I had Covid - didn’t show up as Covid on a test - but felt like Covid, I fell over.
And unfortunately I have done a bit of damage to my leg. The scarring it’s left is quite noticeable and it’s a bit disappointing really.
There was me a little upset about the skin cancer removal scar, only to stack it outside my back door a wreck the leg even more!
I put out a request to my friends for lotions and potions for scar repairing and I very kindly was sent lots of recommendations. So I will be giving them a try.
I appreciate I’m a very odd creature. I have a bag of poo stuck to my abdomen that causes me no angst whatsoever. No residual stress or anxiety.
But that fall a few weeks ago has clearly left its mark, and not just on my leg.
I realised that I hadn’t done any washing since - I was heading out the back door to hang the wet washing up when I fell. And since then I have thrown the dirty clothes in the spare room and let them pile up like some sort of Rumpelstiltskin tribute act.
I finally found the head space to tackle the mountain the other day. Mainly I think because Chris was asking for underwear, so needs must.
It did give me the heebie-jeebies when stepping out the door with the baskets.
But I have actually managed to get it all done now. So that feels like a win.
My leg is a mess though. One side of the wound is extremely painful, on both the flesh and the bone part, and the other side is completely numb, so I must have damaged some of the nerves or something.
I am such a clumsy **** 🫣😂
I will give a few of the potions a try.
Who knew housework was so treacherous 😂
See you soon. Keep well, stay upright 🙏🏼