I have recently heard from, or about, people in the real world that have read my blogs, and have found them helpful. This blows my mind. Me? My words? Useful? Blimey, if only I could go back in time and let my school teachers know hahah.
I don’t know anything about grammar or spelling. What I have, I hope, is the ability to soothe fears and worries, just by living my normal life.
So, first things first. Thank you so much for stopping by, it feels so good to know I’m not just writing to myself. xx
Some might think my blogs are boring, and to that I say ‘Yes! They probably are!’ But that’s my whole point.
My life is as normal (safe and content) now, as it was before I had cancer and a stoma.
My life hasn’t changed in a negative way at all. In fact, it’s actually better than it was.
I’m living the same life, I’m just living it easier because I poo in a bag.
And that might sound weird to you. But I’m so used to my stoma now, that if I think about it I find pooing from a bottom a weird concept.
That’s how settled and free I feel.
Now don’t get me wrong, I appreciate some stomas are tricky. I just happen to have a really well behaved colostomy.
I’m not diminishing anyone’s experience of a leaky ileostomy. That would be really hard to live with, of course I wouldn’t be this chilled out and calm if I was in that situation.
But I write about my experiences. And my life with my bag of poo is rather lovely.
It’s sort of because of it, and sort of in spite of it, and partly because I don’t give it much thought at all. But mainly because I have never lost the joy of still being alive.
I wake up everyday feeling elated. I woke up after my operation and felt a rush of joy and emotion, and I still get it, to a lesser degree, when I wake up now.
Even though I have insomnia, even though I feel like I’ve just been dug up half the time. I still feel lucky to be given the chance of another day. it’s as simple as that.
The only change to my life with having a stoma, is what I wear. Not who I am. I’m not defined by having a colostomy. It’s not who I am as a person. I have a stoma, it doesn’t have me!
I don’t wear slinky silky dresses now. And that’s pretty much it for changes to my lifestyle.
And if I wasn’t so greedy, and chewed all my food properly, I could eat absolutely everything and anything. But as that’s not my reality I avoid sweet corn.
So all in all, the only changes I’ve made to my life are ditching slinky slip dresses and corn on the cob. Not the biggest problems a person has ever encountered or had to overcome.
Because my mental health never took even the slightest dip because of my colostomy. It’s enabled me to love life with it. I count myself as really really really very lucky.
Acceptance isn’t a guarantee. Some take a bit of time to adjust, some may take years and years.
And some never accept it. I’d say they are more normal than I am.
It’s ok to feel that way. If that’s how you feel about your stoma, you are not alone. There are hundreds and thousands of people feeling negative to some degree about it.
I would hate for anyone reading my blogs to feel they have a duty to feel positive about theirs just because someone else feels that way about it.
Positivity comes from within. It can’t be forced on to you.
Just because I love my life…with a stoma attached - doesn’t mean that another person is wrong for not feeling it.
It means you are human. And you are you.
You do you. Don’t worry about anything or anyone else.
That said, if you want to work on feeling more settled, I find ‘gratitude lists’ are really beneficial.
And slightly more helpful than a list of pros and cons.
What if you started writing one of those and the cons just kept coming and coming at you. that would be hard to fight against.
Gratitude lists are far more positive to start with.
Is it just glossing over reality? Aren’t you just failing to mention the negatives? Possibly, but fake it till you make it baby!
My list of pros and cons before my operation would have been;
Pros of having stoma surgery;
No need to dash off to the loo for this bowel prep
No more stinging ring after this bowel prep
No more accidents, (will save a fortune on knickers)
cons;
if you don’t have this surgery the cancer will spread
The end.
The pros have always outweighed the cons for me. But it might not for other people.
What I didn’t know Pre op, that I wished I had of known, is that surviving the surgery made me feel empowered, emboldened and mentally and emotionally strong. Bowel surgery is a pretty tough experience. I felt invincible after I fully recovered.
I think also, my feelings on this were amplified because my son was in cancer treatment at the same time as me. We both came out the other side together.
We are indeed a very lucky family.
Sam (then aged 13) was diagnosed with stage 3, Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma (cancer in the nasopharynx) six months before my diagnosis of stage 3 colorectal cancer (after years and years of misdiagnosis).
So a lot of my apparent acceptance, happiness and joie de vie is not necessarily about my issues per se, maybe it has more to do with my son surviving. I think it’s a combination of everything we experienced.
I felt so lucky that we are all together and safe again.
(*Although weirdly, I never have felt 100% safe and calm about health issues ever again. That is the biggest scar cancer left on us. Most cancer survivors feel the same way too.
Joy of surviving, runs in parallel with fear of recurrence and cancers in general. I’ve never met a cancer survivor who feels calm about their health and future health. So if you are one, I salute you! xxx).
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Sooooooo last week was a write off. That cold I mentioned in my last blog. Well it progressed into a monster. When the coughing started I decided to get a PCR test. But no, it wasn’t the dreaded Rona. It was a ‘super cold’.
I haven’t had anything for 2 years, and then one night at the theatre and I catch a big fat, green snot and phlegm ridden, coughing my guts up, cold! It floored me.
Tears of frustration and annoyance flowed at one point when self pity got the better of me.
Why oh why oh why did I sit in that overly warm, packed out, maskless theatre when I felt it at the time it wasn’t safe? Who knows. But I won’t be doing it again that’s for sure.
Not unless the benefit outweighs the risk. And I will be masked, even if no other ****** is!!
So I didn’t do too much last week. Just sat home miserable watching day time telly. Ok, so I usually sit home watching day time telly anyway…the only change was that I was miserable doing it. ;)
Most of the week was spent like this…
Hahahahaha. Glorious ain’t she!!
God, it was a proper rotten one. Apparently all the colds we missed out on for two years have ganged up to make one giant one!
Top from Ralph Lauren, Trousers from Hollister
But I did move on to actual clothes eventually. Really really super soft ones though. Baby steps.
Even if I felt like death warmed up. Fake it to make it!!
Blouse from The White Company, Leggings from Dorothy Perkins, Boots from Ralph Lauren.
I spent some considerable time making and eating soup too.
It’s got me through some tough times this soup has. :)
Quite a few people I know have covid right now. They have been off their food, and suffering illness weight loss. So I decided to feed myself up.
Feed a cold, starve a fever. I took that saying in the most literal way possible. :)
Dress from H&M, Tights from Tesco, Boots from Jimmy Choo
By Friday, having progressed from pyjamas for the day times at the beginning of the week, to actual day clothes, I decided to doll myself up.
PCR was back and negative by then, so I decided to go out into the world. In a mask so no one caught my germs.
It was good to be back outside. :)
Saturday was something a bit different. Chris had arranged a meeting. So he brought me, Ben and Kaitlyn along too.
I can’t say I’m massively into motorsports, or any form of sport to be honest. That said, I enjoy anything live.
I’ve watched formula 1 ~ in Le Rascasse, in Monaco, rugby, cricket, football, Aussie rules football, American football, baseball and snow boarding. But I wouldn’t partake in any, or watch it on the telly. If I’m there live, I enjoy it, but not an avid fan of anything…unless shopping is a sport?
Jumper from Sainsbury’s, Leggings from Quiz, Boots from Woden.
I bought these boots in Selfrigdes a few weeks ago, and although I haven’t actually progressed to going on an actual walk I have been wearing them in. They are so bouncy and warm and cosy. I think I may have reached the comfortable shoes point in life…
Wrapped up warm and ready to watch cars go round in a circle. ;)
I hung out with Kaitlyn and Ben while Chris (or as I’ve re-named him - Mr Gladragsandbags hahah, had his meeting).
The lunch we had in a lovely little pub in Kent, on the way was great, definitely recommend The Raven in Denham. Fantastic food and the staff were so friendly.
The rally cross was very enjoyable, it was Kaitlyn’s first ever experience of Motor racing, she enjoyed it too.
She was too busy watching Barbie movies growing up to be into motor racing.
Plus the racing was followed by a fireworks display, which was fantastic.
I haven’t been to an organised display in about 18 years. I had two very scared of fire works dogs, who couldn’t be left home alone, so that was a nice treat.
Then Sunday we just stayed home. Pottering around in the garden (me in my walking boots obvs).
Chris finished off setting the sleepers in for our new sunbathing area next to the She Shed.
Then our new buy arrived! And I’m so bloody excited.
Chris ordered a little electric, log burner effect heater for my shed. :)
I’m so happy with it. It’s perfect. It means we can continue to use the shed even in the depths of winter.
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Two things that might be of interest;
1, I have now been immortalised in animation form for a video explaining PPI.
The Public and Patient Involvement that I sit on, through my volunteering for Bowel Research UK.
I thought it was really nice for me. Ok, so cartoon me, looks like she eats less and exercises more than actual me, but me she is!
You can view this video on YouTube. But also through Bowel Research UK on Twitter.
More importantly you can have a look and see if becoming involved with PPI is something you’d be interested in.
I thought that was wonderful to be involved in it. I’m very grateful I was asked.
And 2,
I had a shift at the vaccine centre this week. And the weather was cold, and I was just getting over the virus I just had. So it seemed the perfect time to bring out my special coat.
Regatta isn’t a brand I’m usually familiar with. But I made an exception for this coat. It really has come in to its own this year, especially for standing outside showing people the way into the vaccine centre.
It’s battery powered! Yes! A heated coat. A bit like a heated blanket for your bed, but wearable. :)
It worked a treat. At times it was a bit too hot, so I unplugged it from the battery pack every now and then.
Definitely would recommend! 5 stars! :)
Keep well, and stay away from germs. Xx