I was watching day time TV the other day, well, what else am I meant to do in lockdown? :)
Anyway an item stopped me in my tracks. They had a phone-in about anxiety caused by this blip we’re all living in.
It was so distressing, a lady called in to say that she took to her bed for comfort and safety at the beginning of the pandemic and now she’s rarely left the bed. She feels too scared, terrified really.
She’s completely shut her world down, and bless her heart, it’s not like staying in bed was bringing her any comfort, relief or calm. She is very much still living in a state of terror.
I was so heart broken for her. She sounded so low and lost.
I understand some of what she’s feeling as I have had health anxiety for about 25 years, probably longer.
The only difference between her and I is, when we had to isolate and distance from each other I found it dissipated my anxiety because, put simply, if I’m not going near anyone I can’t catch anything from them.
I understand that my relief is only temporary. I know that when we are expected to go back out into the world my anxiety will come back in the crushing, crashing waves I’ve suffered from in the past.
I’m not shocked by my reaction to isolating, for me it makes me feel happy and relaxed, because now I just blend in with what everyone else is doing. I’m doing what I’m told. I’m staying home. Nothing weird or unusual.
Where others are finding the isolation hard, I’m finding it calming. For me there is a tranquility.
A get out of jail free card from mixing with others.
I’ve had times in the past that I’ve had to force myself to socialise, even if it’s made me feel sick and anxious doing it, and I’ve cancelled plans many times. Which is very weird for a very chatty, raucous at times, socially active person.
I find the lead up to Christmas or expensive holidays particularly difficult. I tend to hide myself away and not see anyone for 2 weeks prior. I used to do it to my children when they were little too. Before a big or significant event I used to tail off their play dates. It got really difficult when they were of an age they’d just go out anyway. That used to have me quaking in my boots.
So, yes, of course not mixing with others has been incredibly easy for me, I’m well practiced at it after years of doing it at times anyway.
I found listening to that poor scared woman very distressing. I really hope she reaches out to her friends and family and her GP.
There is no need to suffer in silence and there is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel.
I really hope she can calm herself enough to go sit on her front doorstep, and then gradually moving on to going for a walk and enjoying some fresh air and greenery. I’m a huge fan of surrounding yourself with green space. It lifts moods and spirits alike.
I get where she is coming from. I really do. It’s terrifying to think of these insidious germs seeping all round us, hunting us down, as if they have a personal vendetta against us.
You remember the film The Sixth Sense, and the boy says that infamous line “I see dead people”.
Well that’s how I lived for years, only it wasn’t dead people, it was alive people’s germs.
But I also know, that keeping a distance from people, especially in the outside fresh air is very low risk. To catch something from someone you need a fairly high viral load from them. That is greatly reduced outside.
It’s also reduced by hand washing and covering noses and mouths from escaping snots and spittle. As you can imagine I’m literally living my best life through this.
I am also well balanced enough to know germs don’t have vendettas, I understand it’s not personal. Same goes for cancer too. It doesn’t pick on us, it hasn’t got it in for us. It’s simply a cell change that happens to us. Nothing personal, nothing vindictive.
I will carry on enjoying each day as it comes, they are all a bit samey in lockdown I have to admit. Thankfully I have a house that takes a lot of care and cleaning, god knows what I’d do in a brand new shiny house. Hahahahaha.
I had some very nice days indoors last week. The key is to have a bit of variety going on.
I had a Zoom meeting with the charity I volunteer for. Which was fantastic, we had a wonderful catch up after a bit of a break, while two charities merged to make BRUK, the new charity is now called Bowel Research UK.
It was so good to get back into the swing of things. And really lovely to see the friends I made through volunteering with them.
Top from The White Company, Trousers from Quiz, Boots from Russell and Bromley
It was also a good excuse to get dolled up. I used to get dressed up to go to the meetings in London, I see no reason to let standards slip just because I’m sitting in my kitchen talking to them. :)
I put this outfit on and noticed my pot belly. I was a bit disappointed, with it. But weirdly I saw a post on Instagram and it made me rethink it. What a genius this young lady is. Wise beyond her years.
“I didn’t let myself ‘go’, I let myself LIVE”
That is an incredibly powerful statement. And 100% true.
I don’t wish to be hungry, I don’t wish to be skeletal. I’ve dabbled in that area throughout my life. I can honestly say, hand on heart I am so much happier now than when I was skinny.
Not only that, I have to face facts. I’m never going to have a flat abdomen ever ever again. I have a colostomy, a large-ish hernia and lots of yummy cake in there. :)
I felt my self confidence restored after seeing her post. …And who says the young have nothing to teach the old.
I am lucky. I am happy and I am grateful for this amazing life. xx
Anyway, life in lockdown carried on in its normal monotonous way.
I needed to go and buy cheese, yes, I said cheese. It was an absolute emergency as we’d run out. I can’t get hold of this particular brand of cheese I like in my local supermarkets, but they do sell it at a deli in Colchester.
Was it an essential journey? That would depend on if you like cheese or not. I felt it was essential as I love it.
I would really recommend Black Bomber to cheddar lovers. It’s made in Snowdonia and it is delicious. I don’t bother to have cheese unless it’s Black Bomber, it just doesn’t ever seem worth it otherwise.
(Cheese purchased from the deli at Poplar Nursery on A120).
Was getting dolled up to buy cheese essential? No, probably not, but I do find if you dress up, you cheer up. Fake it to make it and all that. And I have nice clothes and nowhere to wear them for now so I thought I might as well.
I have days that I can barely be bothered to get washed and dressed. But making an effort does make a difference.
Once I’d bought my cheese and a few other essentials from the deli, I came home to clean up the ever present danger of dead wasps in the bedrooms from the very much alive wasp nest in the loft. See, I told you I have plenty to be getting on with in this house. How could anyone become bored here. Totally living my best life in lockdown, the glamour, the excitement. Hahahahaha.
The weekend came round quickly. Which is a first, most days drag on.
I was very excited because Chris said he’d make the new bed throw and blind for the guest room (that can legally have no guests).
Well, I know I’m biased but my husband is the best. There is nothing he can’t do. He has a very clever brain. He can read an instruction manual for anything and complete the task with competence.
I can’t even read a recipe, let alone follow instructions for anything. We have Gousto food deliveries. I’ve given up saying “it’s not quite like the recipe”. I think we both now accept that it’s not. I have dyslexia, so my brains a bit scatty when reading. I miss words and skip lines. The end results are often quite similar to what was on the recipe card, just with a Suzy twist. Hahahahaha.
Anyway my very clever husband made a fully lined blind. I’m so pleased with the room. It’s beautiful. I look forward to guests being legal again.
It’s absolutely perfect. I’m so happy with it.
On Sunday I treated Chris to a bit of a surprise. We were meant to be going to a local restaurant for a Sunday roast, but obviously that was cancelled because we’re in lockdown (I say we’re in lockdown but really I think it’s just restaurants and gyms that are closed, and I’ve heard of plenty of those that are open, most shops are open in some capacity too. To the point I’ve completed my Christmas shopping, some in stores, some online. It’s very much not like the Welsh government lockdown. I’m not completely sure lockdown is really a thing this time).
Anyway, I wanted to provide a delicious roast, without having to make it. I’m kind, but I’m also very lazy. ;)
I dressed the dining room table for lunch. OK, so if we can’t go out and eat, we’ll bring 47 The Street restaurant experience to our home.
What a perfect Sunday. Who knew take away roast dinner was even a thing? We ordered dessert too, which came with a little tin of ice cream. The whole thing was amazing. And best of all, I didn’t have to cook it.
As well as dressing the table I made an effort and dressed myself up too.
Why not I say. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, I wasn’t cooking…life was good. :)
Dress from H&M, Boots from Tod’s
On Monday this week, I finally braved something that I’ve been putting off for a while ~ A country walk locally.
I’ve been avoiding it since Pepper passed away, preferring to ride my bike instead.
I had no reason to walk since she’s gone. But walking is very good for you, physically and mentally and emotionally.
I just haven’t been able to muster the…the what? Courage? Motivation? I’m not sure what.
But I’ve done it now, I’ve broken the seal on putting it off…and more importantly, although it reminded me of walks with Pepper, which breaks my heart. I did actually enjoy myself.
She would have been furious about the mud. She was very precious and didn’t like to get muddy. She would look on in horror at those dogs that love to roll and wallow in it. :)
I met a lady and her lovely dog on my walk. We got chatting about dogs. She said it had taken 10 years after losing her dog to be ready for a dog again.
So that gave me great hope. I’m nowhere near ready. I desperately want my dog back. But one day in the future my heart might be healed enough to have another one. That made me feel happier and more positive. I was obviously meant to go on that walk, on that day and meet that lady. xx
I made delicious flapjacks last week. Absolutely amazing. I ate a large quantity of flapjacks last week…the result of which was chronic constipation. hahahahaha. I think it’s safe to say I won’t be baking again in this little lockdown. I never learn my lesson.
The pain I’ve been in with this episode has been enough to put me off for a while at the very least. Or at least I hope it’s put me off. :)
Utterly delicious, probably the best I’ve ever made. I just won’t be making them again for that very reason hahahah.
The recipe can be found on the Instagram account of Emma Sims Hilditch.
Stay safe. Keep well.
Suzanne x